My Heart Palace

God I wroked the whole day, just with one break for food and to lie down because of pain (strawberry week pft). It’s stressy, but a nice sort of stress.

It’s like this since a while - just so you guys know where I’ve been and why I answer only some few messages.

DId you guys know that there actually was a Zombie Love Movie long before Dead Bodies? It’s called “Fido” and it’s a neat funny little movie, with a cool setting & style (50s) where zombies are kept as slaves. Also the zombie is actually zombie like, not a boy who is supposed to look as handsome as possible.

Anonymous asked: Not same anon but agnostic isn't a thing by itself. You get religous agnostics and atheist agnostics. It means that the existence of a God/whatever is unknown and unknowable, we will never be able to say for sure. Your religion is what you actually think, right now, do you actually think there is a God? For real. Yes, you're a theist, who could also belong to any number of religions. No, you're an atheist, who could also be part of some other spiritual groups.

Actually, I’m having a hard time with those words, as with every labeling.

Example, for short: I am pansexual. More exact: I am a fetishist (which can be a sexuality for itself) who is mostly turned on by it’s fetish, who CAN be turned on by other bodies sometimes, but mostly is sexually & emotionally focused on the character and the skills and passion of a person and who feels very okay with herself as a lady, as a man and everything inbetween.

In this example, for short & simple, I’m agnostic. More exactly I do not know if there is a god and I would never laugh at somebody who truly believes in a god, I would not even deny his mindset in my mind, because it’s simply not my business. However, I do believe in myself and that it’s completly my choice if I want to live a good or bad live, not matter about the circumstances (it’s a matter of the personal attitude). I don’t think much about such things, but if I do, I find it good to think that I am able to take the best of everything that happens to me, a bit like a self-chosen destiny.
Furthermore, I do like the thought of a “soullife” which lasts many many normal lifes, and a soullife wants to experience EVERYTHING in its life, good and bad things. It wants to know how it feels to be loved by many people, it wants to know how it feels to loose everything, it wants to feel pure joy and optimism and deep depression and suicide. It wants to know how it feels to die very old and how it feels to die very young.
Young souls prefer easier lifes, easier topics for their life. The older you get, the more you get into harder topics. If you find it unlogical, just think about that some people, by their free will, read and watch sad media or even horror media.

I do not strongly believe in that, but I really like that thought. Back then when I couldn’t take it anymore that so fucking many bad things happend to me, when I didn’t know anybody who experienced alike things and people even disbelieved me because they couldn’t imagine that such bad things even happen - back then this thought helped me out of the dark. To accept my life and that I able to learn and grow with those experiences. And it also helped me to accept that there’s so much pain in this world, and things happening we would define as “unfair”.

But above them all I do know know if this is correct or not and I probably never will - I believe that this is a good thinking for my mind - so I prefer saying that I am agnostic.

For today, I will turn off anon, because I have other things to think about and I don’t like to justify/explain myself furthermore.

Anonymous asked: Agnosticism is bullshit. There is no way to not know if you believe in something. You either believe or you don't, and if you "don't know" that means you don't. You fail to give a positive answer.

What the hell?

So when a child is saying “I don’t know nothing about about love (yet)”, in your book it’s denying love because there’s just believing and non believing? Wow dude, what are you even doing on my blog. Please do us both a favor and unfollow.

appleglade asked: That thing in the Buddhist bowl is a temple bead bracelet. It is believed to have good luck charms or amplify the luck in whatever the character is written on each of the beads. What religion are you? I'm agnostic~

Ooooh! Thanks! I didn’t know! That’s nice.

I’m agnostic, too. 

polaroidcas:

I was so fascinated by her fanarts and her attitude.

And now we are [I hope I can call it that way] friends.
I mean….f r i e n d s 

Oh you cute little being <3

fenrirslittlesister said: Things are not that easy for everyone. If you feel depressed you can’t just “see the beautiful things in life” it’s just not how it works.

typefettinge said: i don’t think it’s that people don’t want to be helped or force themselves to be negative, i just think it’s that it’s very easy to get stuck in that pattern of thinking, and it can be very very hard to get out of it, even if people try to help you.

I know that. Sadly, it’s not easy. I never said so. It can be a lot of work to open your eyes to the beauty of the world. So much work to let others help you. But that’s the only thing you can do, really, if you want to get out of that (pattern of) thinking. 
Because what’s the alternative? The moment you stop fighting to see the light is the moment you decide to stay in the dark. Completly independently of how dark or bright your life is at the moment.

(Which is, by the way, ok if you do it sometimes. We all do have some dark times where we lie down and restore our strengh. Just watch it that you don’t remain too long in that numb position)

If you are trying to find excuses for not moving on, well, you will indeed not move on. 
Some people have it harder than others, that’s sadly how life can be. But should that be an excuse for not moving on? For not working and trying? If you think “my life is way troublesome than the ones of the people I know, so I have good reasons to stay in the dark!” you won’t move on, that’s for sure. Because there won’t be magical knight or fairy who suddenly appears and takes you out of the dark.
Well, actually, let me correct that: there are, but you need to open your eyes and notice them and let them help you, which - yes - requires work.

Misscherry suggested that I should say that, for those who don’t know, I’ve been in a abusive relationship for years and I had a pretty abusive childhood, too. Those are many years of darkness. So I really do know what I am talking about. 
And if you don’t trust me, listen to that woman. She’s really been through some shit, too, and there is so much truth in her words.

Hm, okay. 
Now, I did that continue that broken heart comic to show people, especially  the artist herself, that life isn’t that dark.

Now I read at hear page

“That comic […] got modiefied without my awareness
[…]

maybe ill just kind of curl up on my bed and play ds tonight i dont really feel good about anything im producing right now

or not producing, as the case may be”

It makes me so sad to see how people seem to force themself into negativity instead of seeing the beautiful things in life. And I guess you really can’t help them if they actually don’t want to be helped. Sometime you make things even worse. I really gotta learn that. It happend so often with friends in the last years, after all. :/

I really didn’t know I was able to feel butterflies in my tummy because of another person till about one year ago. Now I feel it not only for one person, but for two, and it’s just overwhleming.

Thank you, my loves, for causing so many new feelings inside of me, and for truly caring about and appriciating me. For standing by me, even when I yell because I’m just desperate and afraid. For showing me your appriciation for my body & soul. For listening to my compliments and accepting them. For feeling me. For wanting me to feel you. For wanting to solve the problems we have during fights, not for wanting to win them. For not giving in so things get easier. For being honest to me, even though it might hurt. For trusting me when I say “I know how you feel”. For never ever shaming me for anything. For accepting all of my preferences. And liking or even loving some of them - that’s more I could ever wish for.

I have never experience something like that before you two wonderful beings. (At least not out of the Internet - I really have some wonderful followers and I do acknowledge you guys <3)
And I really should tell you this more often…

Thank you.

Anonymous asked: Hi, I'm following your blog since a long time ago. I think you're a very clever and open-minded person, but you must know this already ;) I just wanted to know your opinion about asexuality ? (sorry for the anon question I'm not on tumblr... and for the lack of grammar too xD)

Hey sweetheart! Thank you very much.
I have no big opinion about asexuality. It’s a way of living just as with every other sexuality, simple as that. I have absolutly no reason to judge people just because of their (a)sexual preferences.

Surprisingly there are many asexual people following me and even visiting my chat (you know, I draw many erotic things), and I never thought much about it. 

And just as with any other sexuality or personal preference - as long as you don’t force me your own POVs and shame me for having a different option than you do, I really don’t see any problem.