My Heart Palace

killa-7:

… you are not able to look your closest friend in the eyes anymore.

So I tried to deal again with the cruelest, most disgusting emotion I am able to feel lately, an emotion that’s always close to killing me, makes me a bitch and makes me cry like a baby, although I really don’t cry a lot, even if I’d like to because it reliefes me. An emotion I’m ashamed of, because it seems it’s not accepted around my current friends, one, that I wish I could erase just like I erase mistakes in my pictures. One that makes me even hate myself, because it’s influencing my life so badly. And one which is ruining my beloved Appledash.

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We’ve talked about that. And to me, you know, it feels like you don’t want to change anything about your feelings. “An emotion I’m ashamed of, because it seems it’s not accepted around my current friends” “And it doesn’t even make sense to talk to them. Because they don’t know what jealousy is and they can’t understand me. I have the feeling they won’t even try to. And that makes me even more furious.”- What were we talking about, seriously? Have we - have I - been talking against a wall? The problem is that you want to feel different. You want to believe that you’re completly alone with your feelings. You want to believe that we never felt jealousy, because we can handle it. And that, my dear, makes me angry. We told you that we do feel jealousy, but when we do, we’re also trying to think of love and how close we are to that person. We trying to think of how much we want the people who are close to us to be happy, to be fullfilled. Feeling jealousy is something completly natural AND usual, no one needs to feel ashamed because of that. But if you want to do something about it you really, well, need to actually DO something about it. Try to think about how much you want them to be happy. Think about how they showed you that they love you and TRUST them that they are honest. Tell your friends that you’re jealous, when you are. By hiding and feeling ashamed of it you’re turning it into something evil and ersoive. What’s so hard about saying “I’m jealous right now and I don’t know what to do about it and I want to be part of the group”? It’s hurtful and disrespectful to just think that your friends don’t need nor want to hear that. Or how do you think your close ones feel when they find out that you feel like shit when you’re close to them? 

“Someone I can trust, someone who’s my tower of strenght, someone who is loving me as much as I love him / her, and someone who is loyal. Someone I don’t need to be jealous of.” 
Honey, that’s all what she is. She’s there for you, she accepts you the way you are, she’s strong for you, she loves you, you can trust her and she’s loyal. When somebody is talking bad about you she’s taking place for you. She would fight for you, that’s how loyal she is. If you don’t understand that, you will ALWAYS be jealous of somebody, even a partner who lives extremly monogamous, because you’ll always find reasons to get jealous. It’s not about the others - the others love you - it’s about yourself. You don’t believe them, you don’t trust them that you mean much to them, and that’s causing self-doubt and therefor jealousy and it always will.

You want to recieve trust, so start by giving it to others. Trust them when they say they like you. Trust them when they give you presents. Trust them when they say they understand how you feel. Trust them when they want to have you close. Trust them that they want to know how you feel. If you don’t, this will never be fullfilling for you and there will be nothing you can do about it.

And, honestly? You might think your feelings don’t have weight, but they do, and I really don’t want you nor anybody close to me who feels like shit because of me.